Member-only story
All of Me
How can I be kinder to myself? I puzzled over this one. Ran right smack into the advice I give others and found it unyielding. Or maybe just confusing. What does it mean to be kind to yourself? You’d think I would know; I preach about it all the time. I am a huge advocate of self-compassion.
A while back I told a client I thought she was too hard on herself, and she replied, “Really? I think I’m not hard enough on myself.” I tsk-tsked, but I got it. When are you being kinder to yourself — when you eat the extra piece of pie or when you don’t? When you take a day off, or when you suck it up and go in despite how tired you are?
It’s all situation specific, person specific, values specific. No one has good answers to these questions without getting into the weeds of a person’s circumstances, the choices they have most commonly made in the past, etc. I have heard plenty of firmly held and strongly stated opinions about these matters. “Of course, you don’t eat extra pie! That is not good for you. To allow yourself to have it is self-indulgent, not kind.” Self-discipline is king. And I’m not saying it isn’t. The question is, which self are we talking about? It is arguable that you are being kinder to your present self when you give yourself a break. Eat the pie, sleep in, take the day off. But making the self-disciplined choice is a gift to your future self.
