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Julie Answers: Can past sexual shame prevent me from being sexually attracted to men or do I like women?
Tracey’s question: I think I developed sexual shame in middle school from masturbating to porn because I didn’t know at the time that it was normal for women and that it was okay to be sexually attracted to women too. I have always had difficulty keeping relationships with men, but I don’t know if it’s because I developed sexual shame which caused me to have lots of sex I didn’t want to have or if it’s that I’m just not attracted to them at all and only women. I’m in a year long relationship with my boyfriend and don’t know what to do because I don’t understand what I feel.
Dear Tracey,
Your question reflects how complicated it can be for a person to be in touch with their true feelings when they grow up in a society that gives shameful messages about sexuality. These messages can involve shame and judgment about having sexual feelings in general, with women being judged for embracing their sexuality in any way.
And they are also expressed in heterosexual bias, with the message given in many families and communities that being straight is somehow “normal” or “better,” and with varying levels of acceptance for those who identify as LGBTQ+.
