Julie Answers: How can I find my own reassurance instead of relying on others?

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Violet says: I usually rely on my boyfriend to “fix” my anxiety and calm me down. I know it’s not fair to him and it’s affecting our relationship. I ask the same questions over and over about how he feels about me and constantly need an unhealthy amount of reassurance. I get jealous over small things and it triggers my anxiety. I don’t know how to stop myself from spiraling down into an insecure episode where I need reassurance and ask my boyfriend questions I already know the answer to.

Dear Violet.

I’d like to start on a somewhat positive note by pointing out an encouraging factor that I hear in your question. That is the fact that at least a part of you is aware on some level that you are “okay,” and even that your relationship with your boyfriend is secure.

It is clearly painful and extremely frustrating when you are “hijacked” by these episodes of insecurity, jealousy, and anxiety. At the moments you are experiencing them, I don’t doubt that they feel like your full reality, like there is every reason to be insecure and doubtful about your relationship. But on another level you are aware that these episodes are, in fact, episodes of toxic and harmful thinking.