Julie Answers: How can I overcome my fear and anxiety about divorce and forget about the guy?

Julie Borden
4 min readMay 19, 2021
Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

Heartbroken and confused asked:

My husband filed for divorce a few months ago. I was doing ok, but then he started coming to me to talk about people he was dating and ask for my advice! At first I tried to be helpful, but then it was just making me sad so I told him to stop involving me in that. Then he said he wanted to talk, and we ended up being intimate. I was encouraged by this, but then he made it clear that he still wanted to divorce because he wants to date other women and feels we are not compatible. I said fine but that I felt used. Then it happened again, and I guess I fell for it.

I suggested we try marriage counseling but he said no, that he doesn’t think it will work.

I told him he was hurting me giving me mixed messages, and he said he wouldn’t do it again. We are continuing to live together (but in separate rooms) due to Covid. He’s away this week for work, but I’m afraid the same thing will happen again when he gets back and that I won’t be strong enough to resist. How do I focus on all the negatives of being with him when my mind goes to his good qualities and fear of loneliness?

Dear heartbroken and confused,

What a terrible time you have been through in the past few months! You had asked, “How do I focus on all the negatives of being with him when my mind goes to his good qualities and fear of loneliness?” I’m glad that is your ultimate question, as that means that in your strongest and most unclouded moments you are seeing him, yourself, and the relationship clearly. That is a start, that deep down you know it is not in your best interest to be with someone who would treat you this way, give you such mixed messages, and be so careless with your feelings. It would be one thing if he showed you any signs of truly wanting to change his behavior and repair the relationship, such as going to marriage counseling. But instead it appears that it is only in moments of wanting physical intimacy that he wavers.

I’m sure the two of you have had some great moments during your time together, and that he does have good qualities. It can be heartbreaking to think of that being in the past; when you look at him I am sure you see the…

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Julie Borden

Social worker, therapist, reader, writer, head-in-the-clouds dreamer, awed by most everything. (She/her) Reach me at JulieBordenLCSW@gmail.com.