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Julie Answers: How can I share my feelings with my partner without putting them on the defensive?
Andrea’s question: I was raised by an ACoA and am now married to one. I find it challenging to bring up any negative feelings with my partner. Here’s an example. Me: “I’m disappointed our offer on that house wasn’t accepted, it was so cute.” Partner: “Well I guess I just need to get a better job don’t I? Sorry I can’t do better.” Is there any way I can be honest without him taking it personally?
Dear Andrea,
Your overall question is about how to foster healthy communication in your relationship. I will share a resource later in my response that I think you will find really helpful. It is an author whose books have great insight into couples and relationships, with sound advice on how to decrease unhealthy communication patterns and build healthier, more functional ones in their place.
But first I want to directly address the fact that you and your partner have both had lives that have been impacted by the “family disease” of alcoholism. (For anyone reading this who is not familiar with this term, ACoA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics.) You are clearly aware of the concept of what it means to be an ACoA, and how the chaotic, unpredictable lives children often live growing up in substance-abusing and otherwise dysfunctional…
