Julie Answers: How have I become this toxic person?

Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

Gabrielle’s question: I want to learn how to put more confidence and love into myself. I say I know my self-worth, but I allow people (mostly guys I’m dating, really) to mistreat me and then I become tired and angry and toxic. I don’t like who I’ve become. I was abused when I was little, and my friend says that has something to do with it, but I don’t think so. That was a long time ago and I don’t even think about it anymore. What do you think?

Dear Gabrielle,

I commend you for being willing to consider whether your past abuse could be influencing your current relationships. While the past may feel disconnected from the present, the situation you describe is all too common among trauma survivors.

Trauma, abuse, and living in a state of fear cause actual changes in a growing child’s brain. Neural pathways are created that influence perceptions about what feels safe, what feels dangerous, and what feels “normal.” These result in expectations of others that operate below the level of conscious awareness. Subconscious expectations lead to patterns of behavior in your relationships.

This idea of trauma’s actual and permanent influence on the brain may sound scary. The good news is that patterns of behavior, even deeply entrenched patterns, can be modified. It is very normal that you…