Julie Answers: Why is it so hard for me to speak up?

Photo by Josh Eckstein on Unsplash

Sam’s question: I stress out when people sometimes raise their voice at me and I just don’t say anything.

A friend was explaining something to me with a loud voice and I don’t like that I didn’t say anything. I feel like I should have said something back to him.

Hi Sam,

The question you’re asking is about assertiveness, and it is a worthy subject to discuss. What it is, how to learn it, how to use it, when to use it, and why it may be more complicated than those of us who try to teach it realize and acknowledge.

You are describing an experience of listening to your gut and feeling that something is wrong. In the interaction you are describing and ones like it, where you have let something go, maybe that was at least partly because you didn’t know in that moment exactly what you would have said, how you would have addressed it. That is very valid. We are not born knowing these things.

Your instincts are telling you that you let the moment go by and tolerated a behavior that you should not have had to tolerate. For people who are uncomfortable with conflict, things like this can be a constant struggle. It becomes a question of whether something is important enough to make an issue of or minor enough to let it go. Only you can decide that. Even the most…